Ah - Insurance Companies That Know Nothing - Ho Hum

I've mentioned I am awaiting insurance approval for my Enbrel - in the meantime I am getting my weekly dosage from the Md's office sample bank. That can't last forever as I am not the only one needing the medication. I got a call today from another pharmacy company which my insurance "outsources to get through all the red tape and making sure that you really need the medication - we contact the Dr. and fill out all the paperwork" - when asked who pays for their services I was told it is adjusted into the co-pay for my medication. They cannot tell me how much my co-pay will be or when it will be approved. In the meantime I got a call about the life insurance letter I rec'd and followed up on yesterday - they were "letting me know they really don't know what is going on yet and a supervisor will be contacted to see if they can help them find out what's going on." OK - so all and all no one knows about anything at this point - including me - lol

The Envelope Please.....

After following up with the company I used to work for I was transferred for the tenth time to long term disability. They were confused but decided they should probably help me because I was starting to get annoyed...I was told my COBRA would continue and my disability would continue unless I got a "job of some kind" - somehow that didn't make since so I asked for my Case Manager to give me a call. I did give them the update on the Enbrel - which of course I haven't heard whether insurance will cover it yet. Another shot is due Wednesday - I have a sample from the Dr. but will need to ask for a couple more just in case. My right leg feels like knives are stuck in it and someone else is twisting it with every step I take. Gonna go to bed now - my appointment is 0800 - my poor best friend will have to come across town super early in the morning just to take me back across town.

Depression and Chronic Illness - At Least for Today

I've suffered from Sjogren's Syndrome, Fibromyalgia and Psoriatic Arthritis for at least 16 - 20 years - it they were called different things a long the way to this current blend of illnesses. Because of these issues I have been robbed of having children - 10 miscarriages - I have gained at least 60 - 150 lbs at different times along the way related to large and prolonged doses of steroids, have to use a cane or a walker - I have lost self esteem, friends and romantic relationships. At this point I have basically lost my livelihood, quite a large amount of my quality of life and at times have wondered seriously if losing my life would be such a bad thing. After all my parents have passed, I have no family to speak of and I feel like I am beginning to become a burden not just to others but to myself. This new medication is taking it's toll on me - I feel worse than I did when I started it and I felt like CRAP then. I can't work or drive, I have bills to pay, everyday tasks are turning into difficult things to do, I run out of disability and COBRA in about a year, Social Security Disability will take at least 2 years to obtain and so, so many people that I thought understood where I stand really just don't get it. I can't even tell you how tired I get of explaining why I can't do this or that - WORSE yet people just assume I can't go or do something because "it would be too much for her" - PLEASE don't take my decision making away. Yes people mean well but sometimes words hurt more than help. Am I gonna kill myself - no - do I have a plan - no not right now - do I contract not to hurt myself - sure. I hurt too much physically to do something to make myself hurt more. I have my closest friends, my Maggie and Lila, people I'm in love with - I would never leave any of them like that. I am just so tired of feeling tired, useless and dependent - after all I just turned 51 y/o . Do I know that other people have it even harder than I do - OF COURSE I do and my heart goes out to them. That doesn't mean I have to put on my HAPPY FACE ALL THE TIME! Please remember when you comment on someones illness to understand they didn't ask or want to be in their situation.

Ho Hum

As I mentioned in my last post I am the only person here this weekend and am a little bummed out about it. Nothing can be done though the other house needs attention and it can't be done during the week because of the owner's work schedule. It kinda sucks because the weekends are the only time we can spend time together but I totally understand  - not that I like it but I understand it. Last night I cooked an Amy's spinach rice crust pizza - it was HORRIBLE - I ate a couple of bites and decided to toss it - before I did I offered it to the dogs even JANET wouldn't eat it - lol. I was blessed to have good friends come by yesterday and take me to the CPA and to mail 2 of the packages I could get ready - had problems getting the printer to work so I still have 6 to mail and my COBRA payment to next day air. I also need to go to my the gluten restaurant to get fun things to eat.  It will all get done with the help of my friends.  I am happy that my stomach and flu like symptoms have resolved but the mottled look to my skin is still pronounced  - my Dr. calls it a lupus like rash - I've had it since I was on Rituxan but it intermittently flares up as it is now. I am NOT looking forward to my second injection of Enbrel on Wednesday - hopefully the symptoms will be less than last week.