Stressed Out vs Just Crabby

As most of you know I was expecting my Enbrel 4/26 but didn't get it until a few hours before I was due to take it 4/27/11 - so I was stressed out about it - I don't know why it just makes me feel crummy anyway. The cost was much higher than I was told it would be but less expensive than the regular pharmacy so I really can't complain about that either. People ask me how I am and I probably sound grumpy because I usually say I suck which in many cases is very true. Mostly though I think I'm just tired of the waiting game and my inability to just get up and go when I want to. I feel like I have no control over my finances, health or mobility. I wait a lot for other people especially over the phone - the insurance company r/t the medication and the cost, the disability people because I have yet to get my direct deposit - normally arrives on the 18 th of the month and of course I've already paid bills because if not they would be calling as well - then there are the 401k people who promised me a certain amount of money but told me I to wait for HR to fax over the forms so they can send it and the Social Security people - you get my drift. The WORST though is when they get it wrong and I have to get back on the phone and explain it all over again to a different person who has NO idea what I'm talking about and then that person gives me totally different information from the last - most recently with my HR department and IRS people. Of course there are the people that say they will call you back and NEVER do like the homeowners association for my rental condo. I feel like a lady in perpetual waiting while all around me other people want whatever is they want from me ASAP. I think I sound like a little old lady complaining about the government - lol. I'll tell you with the amount of pain I'm in I can only imagine what those people that go nuts over the phone or public places must be going through to finally go off.
Well - another glass of wine will prevent me from acting up - no worries folks. In the meantime I will be stressed out which of course causes more pain.  Ho Hum!!

Depression and Chronic Illness - At Least for Today

I've suffered from Sjogren's Syndrome, Fibromyalgia and Psoriatic Arthritis for at least 16 - 20 years - it they were called different things a long the way to this current blend of illnesses. Because of these issues I have been robbed of having children - 10 miscarriages - I have gained at least 60 - 150 lbs at different times along the way related to large and prolonged doses of steroids, have to use a cane or a walker - I have lost self esteem, friends and romantic relationships. At this point I have basically lost my livelihood, quite a large amount of my quality of life and at times have wondered seriously if losing my life would be such a bad thing. After all my parents have passed, I have no family to speak of and I feel like I am beginning to become a burden not just to others but to myself. This new medication is taking it's toll on me - I feel worse than I did when I started it and I felt like CRAP then. I can't work or drive, I have bills to pay, everyday tasks are turning into difficult things to do, I run out of disability and COBRA in about a year, Social Security Disability will take at least 2 years to obtain and so, so many people that I thought understood where I stand really just don't get it. I can't even tell you how tired I get of explaining why I can't do this or that - WORSE yet people just assume I can't go or do something because "it would be too much for her" - PLEASE don't take my decision making away. Yes people mean well but sometimes words hurt more than help. Am I gonna kill myself - no - do I have a plan - no not right now - do I contract not to hurt myself - sure. I hurt too much physically to do something to make myself hurt more. I have my closest friends, my Maggie and Lila, people I'm in love with - I would never leave any of them like that. I am just so tired of feeling tired, useless and dependent - after all I just turned 51 y/o . Do I know that other people have it even harder than I do - OF COURSE I do and my heart goes out to them. That doesn't mean I have to put on my HAPPY FACE ALL THE TIME! Please remember when you comment on someones illness to understand they didn't ask or want to be in their situation.

Feeling a Bit Better

I went to bed at 7:45 last night with continuing stomach upset, chills and feeling like I was coming down with the flu. Had to take an extra pill - something to shut my mind off - would have never slept at the pace it was racing. NO - I'm not Bi-polar (according to the letter from my Psychiatrist - lol) just very stressed with the symptoms, cost associated and concern about the potential long term issues with the Enbrel. I did manage to make a decent gluten free dinner last night - using San J gluten free Teriyaki sauce purchased at Whole Foods. It was actually very good except for this morning when I had to finish the clean up process. On top of that am trying to get some clothes washed. I haven't been able to eat much today r/t nausea - just some soy milk with cereal and was hoping to have some flavored water (no sweetener of any kind) but to no avail - perhaps I can get some tomorrow. I will be alone here with the furry kids for at least 24 - 36 hrs or more - work has to be done at the other house - of course chores are never ending. One of my dearest friends was so kind to volunteer her time tomorrow to take me on those errands which have been pending for days. I will need to triple check that I have everything together for outing. I have been looking for my Social Security paperwork - I put them in a RED folder - so much for organization! Have a WONDERFUL weekend!