Depression and Chronic Illness - At Least for Today

I've suffered from Sjogren's Syndrome, Fibromyalgia and Psoriatic Arthritis for at least 16 - 20 years - it they were called different things a long the way to this current blend of illnesses. Because of these issues I have been robbed of having children - 10 miscarriages - I have gained at least 60 - 150 lbs at different times along the way related to large and prolonged doses of steroids, have to use a cane or a walker - I have lost self esteem, friends and romantic relationships. At this point I have basically lost my livelihood, quite a large amount of my quality of life and at times have wondered seriously if losing my life would be such a bad thing. After all my parents have passed, I have no family to speak of and I feel like I am beginning to become a burden not just to others but to myself. This new medication is taking it's toll on me - I feel worse than I did when I started it and I felt like CRAP then. I can't work or drive, I have bills to pay, everyday tasks are turning into difficult things to do, I run out of disability and COBRA in about a year, Social Security Disability will take at least 2 years to obtain and so, so many people that I thought understood where I stand really just don't get it. I can't even tell you how tired I get of explaining why I can't do this or that - WORSE yet people just assume I can't go or do something because "it would be too much for her" - PLEASE don't take my decision making away. Yes people mean well but sometimes words hurt more than help. Am I gonna kill myself - no - do I have a plan - no not right now - do I contract not to hurt myself - sure. I hurt too much physically to do something to make myself hurt more. I have my closest friends, my Maggie and Lila, people I'm in love with - I would never leave any of them like that. I am just so tired of feeling tired, useless and dependent - after all I just turned 51 y/o . Do I know that other people have it even harder than I do - OF COURSE I do and my heart goes out to them. That doesn't mean I have to put on my HAPPY FACE ALL THE TIME! Please remember when you comment on someones illness to understand they didn't ask or want to be in their situation.

Relief from Side Effects but not from Sjogren's

I gave myself the Enbrel injection on Wednesday, felt horrible 45 minute - 8 hours afterwards. felt like crap Thursday and like a hibernating bear most of Friday. I have not noticed any relief from Sjogren's Syndrome.  We had planned to take each other on a date Friday night so I made sure that I slept well throughout the day to be up for it. I got up at 4 pm and we took a bottle of Riesling we got in Fredericksburg and went to the gluten free Little Aussie Bakery. It seemed like a lot of other people had the same idea - it's a BYOB but everything has to be 100% gluten free. It was pizza night there but surprisingly there were mostly older (like myself) couples with their bottle of wine and intimate conversation. Our conversation consisted of work issues and on my end medical issues - my Dr. had called from his personal line to discuss how I was feeling but I was asleep - so I had called back and let him know & insurance still has not approved the Enbrel. After a couple of glasses of wine we advanced to much more interesting conversation....This is not a romance novel - lol. Have a great weekend.

Ahhh Sleep - Why do you Elude Me?

It's 4 minutes before 1 am and sleep has become elusive - chronic insomnia has been a constant friend for many years but has become much more prevalent since Sjogren's Syndrome and Fibromyalgia have become my companions. I did nap today - could not keep my eyes open so I am sure that has something to do with my inability to sleep now. My anxiety about this weeks Enbrel injection, clarifying if my insurance will cover it and not being able to find my Social Security paperwork does not help because my brain just won't shut off. Unfortunately, I had a bit of a fall today - I say a bit because I didn't actually land on the floor my right hip locked and I was able to grab on to the sofa. It did twist my back and my hip so I am in pain at the moment. I've taken my scheduled pain medication as well as the rest of my night time cocktail so the pain will get better - at least until tomorrow. Sweet dreams to all of you!!