The Definition of Feeling Crappy - ME

I went to the Dr. Tuesday - related to increased never ending fatigue and very severe right leg pain. I was told there is little to be done about my fatigue- I can try exercising as long as it's swimming in a "VERY clean pool" (he mentioned the clean part last year at this same time) and my leg is bursitis which he feels is r/t my Fibromyalgia and I got a steroid shot in my hip for the pain - of course he had to examine it and the pain was so much worse than it was when I got there. He wanted me to pick up next weeks Enbrel but they didn't have any (still don't today). I had a bone density scan - which is much more painful when you have joint pain - I'm glad the tech was strong enough to position my legs - he was probably a contortionist or at least into S & M in another life - by the time I got to the lab I was fed up - she used up her two chances and I said nope - no more!! My friend and I left - she mentioned I had gotten a bit grumpy - which we laughed about - we went for brunch - it was way too early for the Aussie Bakery much to my disappointment and both of us were SO tired she got up at 4:30am and I got up at 5:00am - my appointment was at 0800.  I have been on my own at home since Saturday night so when I got home all I had to do was let Maggie out and go to bed. Wednesday was a bit better - I had to give my Enbrel shot - it burned like CRAP again - even though I left it out 10 minutes - the side effects started about 45 minutes later and I ended up in bed with an ice pack & hot tea (sore throat) but woke up at 6 pm to vomit for about 30 minutes. Then I slept off and on the rest of the night - mostly off. Today I am tired, hungry and want to eat something rich and decadent from Aussie's but have nothing here - which I guess is good. I do have some 70% chocolate eggs - not really what I want. It's one of those days when nothing sounds good - I really don't need to eat anyway - lol.

Depression and Chronic Illness - At Least for Today

I've suffered from Sjogren's Syndrome, Fibromyalgia and Psoriatic Arthritis for at least 16 - 20 years - it they were called different things a long the way to this current blend of illnesses. Because of these issues I have been robbed of having children - 10 miscarriages - I have gained at least 60 - 150 lbs at different times along the way related to large and prolonged doses of steroids, have to use a cane or a walker - I have lost self esteem, friends and romantic relationships. At this point I have basically lost my livelihood, quite a large amount of my quality of life and at times have wondered seriously if losing my life would be such a bad thing. After all my parents have passed, I have no family to speak of and I feel like I am beginning to become a burden not just to others but to myself. This new medication is taking it's toll on me - I feel worse than I did when I started it and I felt like CRAP then. I can't work or drive, I have bills to pay, everyday tasks are turning into difficult things to do, I run out of disability and COBRA in about a year, Social Security Disability will take at least 2 years to obtain and so, so many people that I thought understood where I stand really just don't get it. I can't even tell you how tired I get of explaining why I can't do this or that - WORSE yet people just assume I can't go or do something because "it would be too much for her" - PLEASE don't take my decision making away. Yes people mean well but sometimes words hurt more than help. Am I gonna kill myself - no - do I have a plan - no not right now - do I contract not to hurt myself - sure. I hurt too much physically to do something to make myself hurt more. I have my closest friends, my Maggie and Lila, people I'm in love with - I would never leave any of them like that. I am just so tired of feeling tired, useless and dependent - after all I just turned 51 y/o . Do I know that other people have it even harder than I do - OF COURSE I do and my heart goes out to them. That doesn't mean I have to put on my HAPPY FACE ALL THE TIME! Please remember when you comment on someones illness to understand they didn't ask or want to be in their situation.

If Only My Brain and Body Were Disconnected

I tried to go to sleep early last night - the key word being tried. Sleep eluded me primarily because of stomach issues - the way it did with dose 1 of Enbrel. So I am VERY tired today and still have body aches, feel cold and have the lupus like rash. I know the Dr. said it was not r/t the Enbrel but it sure seems like HUGE coincidence. Today my great friend came by and took me to pick up my taxes, we went to the post office and had a quick bite to eat - all in all a pleasant and much appreciated outing. We were only out about 1 1/2 hrs but I feel like it was all day. As it gets later in the day I feel worse - no fever though. Mentally there are lots of things I want to get done - physically ain't no way - lol. Am off to bed - have a wonderful Thursday!! Oh - I had some questions about what Enbrel is so I am including some links about it. http://arthritis.emedtv.com/enbrel/enbrel.html